You can ask anyone, I’m a pretty laid-back guy. That is, when I’m not unduly annoyed or unfairly stressed out. Right now I’m annoyed. Know why? Because my eye is twitching! I don’t know why! It happens on inconvenient occasions, suddenly, uncontrollably and without warning.
I have strained my poor wore-out brain trying to figure out the reason for this week’s twitch, but it could be one of hundreds of eye-twitching reasons. But I’ve narrowed it down. Here are the top usual suspects:
Let me be clear: other drivers annoy me on a daily basis. But some particular drivers causes my eye to twitch like a son of a motherless goat. Slow drivers for one. Why? If the speed limit allows up to 35 MPH why would you drive 25? Or 20!?! Not only is that the root cause of many of my eye twitches, but I also think it causes some variation of Tourrette syndrome where I spout profanities I’ve never heard before.
And let’s talk about texting. Why – oh WHY!? – would you text at a red light? It is still illegal, and suddenly the light is green and I’m waiting for you to finish sending a grocery list to your squeeze. Stop it, people!
Slow Walkers in a Crowd
Picture this: it’s the holiday season. I am required, nay, I desire to provide my children and loved ones with a nice gift or three. I just spent 2.7 hours trolling the mall parking lot and finally landed somewhere out in the north 40, somewhere approximately 10 miles from the warmth of the mall doors.
I am motivated to get in, buy what I need from a pre-arranged list, and get back home. But alas, I am amassed in a crowd, and stuck behind slow walkers. I can’t get around to the left or to the right because a flood of people are coming from the other way. The slow walkers act like stones in a stream, parting the oncoming herd in such a way to prevent a pass, and would otherwise result in getting me trampled.
Yeah, eye twitching commences.
And on the subject of malls, have you ever taken an escalator up or down and the nice folks in front of you step off and STOP! Obviously the world must cease for them as they look left and right to find their next destination! We unworthy schmucks must bump and collide, and commence the twitching.
I’m sure this has never happened to you, but I am plagued with co-workers who ‘Reply All’ when responding to an email. Usually this is followed by another, and yet another, etc. etc., individual who responds to the responder, replying ‘ALL’ the whole while.
Soon my email inbox is flooded with useless unread junk mail, and eye twitching is thusly initiated.
I get it. Sneezing is involuntary. But a sneeze is nothing more than spasmodic contraction of the diaphragm and chest muscles to expel air in order to release nasal irritants. It is NOT, however, an excuse to scream!
The sudden and forceful explosion of air causes serious resonance and overtones that a seasoned opera singer would be proud of. Trust me, no one wants to hear your 120 decibel ‘bark’ of a sneeze.
And for the love of a banana, people, cover your mouth! My entire face twitches when I see some clod, usually a kid, let it all out without an attempt to cover. And don’t think that the pathetic fist in front of your face is stopping any of that projectile mucus!
That’s the final cut list, albeit not a complete one, of the most likely eye twitching culprits – from just the past HOUR! There’s a lot more reasons that make my eye twitch, so I’ll work on that list for In The Twitch of an Eye – Part 2, coming soon!