Archive for September, 2006


Go Fish…

September 18, 2006

Little Deedle Dumpling, I fear, is getting in touch with her inherited redneck roots. This, I hesitantly and reluctantly admit, comes from my side of the family. (Although I believe Bobo’s Klingon roots stem from her mother’s side!) Deedle has had her share of enjoying a cruise on a passenger vessel ranging from river dinner cruises, to paddlewheel excursions, to a full-fledged Alaskan cruise chock full of icebergs and glaciers and Juneau (oh my!) & all that fun stuff that kids love. But the other day we crossed a bridge where Deedle spotted below us a dingy on the river with four men which appeared to be holding long sticks.

“What’s that?” she asked.
“That’s a boat dear.”
“What are those men doing?”
“They’re fishing, honey. That’s a fishing boat.”
“What are those sticks?”
“Those are fishing poles. They hang a line from the pole into the water and catch fish.”
“I want to go fishing.”

Red alert! No! Head ‘er off at the pass! I swore off fishing years ago. It’s messy, and smelly, and who wants to sit for hours trying to catch a stream trout when you can get perfectly good fresh fish at Red Lobster. (mmmmm…..lobster) Besides, I can’t shell out thousands of dollars on fishing gear, rods, reels, spinners, dancers, bleeders, buzzers, crankers, plus a boat load of Wet-Ones to clean oneself, not to mention the boat itself.

So I chose to take the path of truth with this one, hoping it would dissuade my innocent girl made of sugar and spice and everything nice. “But do you know what you do after you catch the fish?”
“Eat ’em!” she said gleefully.
“Well,” I said, choosing my words carefully, “you have to kill them first. Then you gotta cut their heads off and pull their guts out and clean them really good before you eat them.” There, that should gross out a 5-yr old girl who loves My Little Pony more than life itself.

Without missing a beat she said, “I’ll kill ’em, Daddy! I’ll kill ’em and cut ’em up. I’ll just chop off their heads with a knife.”

Oh, my darling angelic girl. What has corrupted you? Was it the Tele? Did my father put you up to this? Did you overhear your father rehersing Sweeney Todd & crooning about slicing throats? Next you’re gonna tell me you want to go hunting for elk in Livingston, Montana.

“Really? You want to do that, Sweetie?”
“Yeah! But first I’m gonna name the fish. I’ll say, ‘your name is Charlie’, then I’ll chop off his head.”

Charlie the trout, wherever you are, beware! We’re bringing our mini-rod & spinner and comin’ for ya! Hey, maybe I can justify buying that new boat now.


My Daughter the Ham

September 7, 2006

My Daughter the ham…

Dunno where she gets it…



September 3, 2006

Deedle Dumpling is destined to become a Citizen on Patrol, and a good but authoritative COP at that. She seems to know and follow the rules, and is not hesitant to point out the error of her parent’s ways.

After strapping her into her booster seat today I hopped in the driver’s seat and started the ignition. “Put your seatbelt on, Daddy, or it’s a safety violation,” instructed my loving daughter, of whom I was very proud for looking out for her Daddy’s best interest.

“I will sweetie. How did you know it’s a safety violation?” I asked.

“Lou & Lou and You: Safety Patrol from Playhouse Disney.”

Thanks again, Disney. Knowing this was a good tidbit of knowledge for a preschooler, still I wondered what else Disney had brainwashed into my impressionable daughter. I half expected my sincere, innocent girl to tell me I had to go & buy the latest Disney DVD of Brother Bear 2 or she would turn me in to the authorities for child abuse.

So we continued our journey and as I approached a stop sign my little backseat driver informed me, “S.T.O.P. Stop Daddy. You gotta stop here or it’s a safety violation,” Actually I think it’s a moving violation if I don’t actually STOP at the stop sign, but I didn’t have the heart to correct her, not when she’s destined to be a hot COP someday keeping our streets safe, and could one day pull me over on charges of rolling through a stop sign.

“Thank you, dear,” says I. I smiled in the mirror back at my grinning girl and pulled out my cell phone to call Divagirl. I punched send and lifted the little receiver to my ear.

“That’s a safety violation, you know,” came a stern voice from the backseat. I peeked in the mirror of my car and couldn’t believe my eyes. There sat my near-5-yr old with arms crossed and a raised eyebrow like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. I’d been caught. I had forgotten my little accessory earpiece one should use while driving to free up both hands. And yet here was I, a bitter complainer about seeing people talk on phones while driving doing the very pet peeve I loathe.

“Lou & Lou told you that?” I asked.

“Yes, Daddy. Put the phone down and no one will get hurt. We can both forget this incident ever happened. I trust you will be prepared in the future.”

I flipped the phone closed & dropped it like a hot potato. Didn’t want an “incident” in the car to ruin a perfectly good day. Nor did I want my oldest believing I didn’t follow Lou & Lou’s safety rules. If you don’t have trust in a family what have ya got? “That sounds like a plan, Deedle. Let’s go have an ice cream!”

“That’s fine, Daddy. Just don’t eat while you’re driving. That’s a safety violation, too.”

Curious about these Lou & Lou characters I looked ‘em up on the ol’ ‘puter. Indeed I found good printable safety tips offered by two squat-looking, badge-toting children of either sex, whose names I assumed were short for Louise and Louis. I found some other interesting driving tips that I thought my daughter should be aware of. Particularly the one about NEVER MAKE SO MUCH NOISE THAT YOU DISTRACT THE DRIVER. Hmmm. That’s one I’ll be pointing out a lot. Another one: PAY FULL ATTENTION WHILE DRIVING. DO NOT EAT, READ, PUT ON MAKE-UP OR SHAVE (yes, these are actual tips from our old pal, Disney) WHILE DRIVING A CAR. I like that one, too. I think the former and the later go hand in hand, wouldn’t you?