Archive for April, 2016


Bake Mouth at 450 Degrees

April 26, 2016


I’m sure I’m not the only one who has burned the tongue from a hot cup of coffee, or a bite of burger hot off the grill, or maybe a bit of overdone potato. But have you ever scalded your mouth from something steaming hot? I mean fresh outta the oven at 450 degrees?  So hot you can even see the steam rising? Scorched to the point of dripping, ruined flesh?

Uh, me neither.

Oh alright…I did it.

One major problem of extreme hunger is impatience. Any 5pm on a weekday is happy hour somewhere. We had intel that a great new little restaurant just opened up and had a fabulous happy hour prices on delicious food. I’m all about cheap and delicious, so off we went.

I’m a sucker for a delicious dip, so I had to order the cream cheese artichoke heart dip. Prepared fresh and baked at 450 degrees, it went straight from the oven to the table right in front of my hungry, impatient mouth. Ah, dinner time! I knew it was hot, sure. So I blew on it a little, and shoved a chip-full of it right in.

The attempted caress of air used as a stop-gap cooling method didn’t work. Nope. Not at all. With extremely poor etiquette that would cause Miss Manners to blush and glare, I expelled the offensive scorching fragment of hell right back onto my plate. But it was too late. The damage was done. At once I felt hanging chads of flesh clinging to the roof of my mouth. My tongue felt like a summer day on the Sahara. And only mass quantities of ice water soothed the burn.

Dinner wasn’t nearly as delicious after that. But it didn’t stop me from eating it after an appropriate cooling period. I learned my lesson: when the directions say ‘let sit for 5 minutes before eating’, it’s for your own damn protection.

So if this happens to you, feel free to adopt my impromptu methods below to assuage the incinerating oven that is now your mouth.

After the burn:

  1. Let Someone Know

It is important to inform the fellow diners and restaurant employees of the emergency. Do like me and with an open scorching mouth yell, “AAAAAHHH!!! GAHHH DAAANG!!! ‘AAASSS HAAAAAWWWT!!!!”

  1. Apply Ice Water

To begin immediate relief, use copious amounts of ice water. Splash the remaining 10-12 ounces of ice water from your glass inside your gaping mouth. Don’t worry about getting water on your outfit. It will dry. If possible, perhaps through the aid of your dining partner since you now cannot speak, request a trough of ice water be placed in front of you.

  1. Avoid Crunchy Foods

After the burn, it is wise to avoid crunchy foods. Do not eat that tortilla chip that came with your scalding artichoke dip. It is now a shard for which to pierce your sensitive pie hole.

  1. Eat Plenty of Ice Cream

As a form of recompense, ask the restaurant for a dish of delicious, sweet ice cream for desert. At least three scoops. Eat more when you get home. And be sure to stock up because ice cream will be your only meal for the next few days.


That Time I Forgot to Shower in the Shower

April 14, 2016


This morning I was a little groggy when I woke up. And when I say ‘groggy’ I mean 1-1/2 sheets to the wind. Yesterday my back decided to seize up on me with a spectacular muscle spasm that ran the length of my back just left of the spine. I was down for the count. Even missed an audition. But these things happen. And I am prepared for when it happens (because it has happened before) with a standby prescription for muscle relaxers (thanks again, doc). I’m pretty sure the instructions on the prescription label say not to take the pills with alcohol, but I try not to pay attention to the pesky directions. So I had a beer with my cyclobenzaprine. Then another beer. Right after that second beer the ‘prine kicked in and I stumbled up the stairs, found my way to the bed, and collapsed on the pillow followed immediately by a bunch of “Zzzzzzzz”.

I can tell you from experience that the muscle relaxers do their job extremely well. While I ignore advice to avoid alcohol (it’s just a ‘guideline’, really, isn’t it?), I certainly do not operate heavy machinery. I sleep the sleep of 10 babies with that tiny little pill.

Evidently I wasn’t too wasted to set the alarm for the usual 5:30 am wake up call. I still needed to get to the old J-O-B this morning, so I smashed the alarm, sat up in bed, and rubbed the sleep off my face. The bathroom is right next to the bed but I remember leaning this way and that way, nearly falling down but somehow managing to remain upright. I turned the water on and stepped in the shower, and the next thing I remember was stepping out and toweling off. All routine. I do this every morning, right?

After dressing and eating a healthy bowl of granola, I’ve got the news on and though, “hmmm, why isn’t my hair drying?” I thought perhaps I may have used some hair conditioner and failed to rinse. I’ve been known to do that before. More than once. But I don’t usually use conditioner. Eh, thought I. Must be humid today.

So then I’m in the car on the way to work and my hair still is combed back on my head. It’s short hair so it dries fast. This shouldn’t happen. I run my hand through my hair and think, “it is a little greasy. Maybe I did use conditioner. But it’s like I didn’t even wash…..”

Then it hits me: IT’S LIKE I DIDN’T EVEN WASH MY HAIR. Or my entire body for that matter.

I then gathered enough recollection to remember the shower scene: I stepped into the shower, spun around a few times to get all wet, stood there with the warm water running down my back for a few minutes, then I turned off the shower and got out. No soap. No shampoo. I may not have been clean, but at least my back spasm was gone and I got some sleep.

So I’m usually the first one to get to work. No one else was around. I ran to the kitchen area, switched on the coffee pot (top priority, of course), looked both ways to be sure no one is there, and I proceeded to dunk my head under the faucet and give a little scrub of the follicles with the hand soap. A quick paper towel dry and my hair is once again springy and poofy, and not looking like a 1960’s greaser. It worked. And no one knew about. Until now. Now you all know, so don’t tell my boss.