Archive for the ‘Coffee’ Category


Coffee Armageddon

June 14, 2016


Our coffee machine is busted at work. And guess who’s in charge of coffee. That’s right, yours truly. I had no idea that a coffee-less office could be so uptight. I should have expected it, though. The pure outrage and sinister intimidations I have received from coworkers experiencing caffeine withdrawals is paramount to road rage on an epic scale. Within the last two days since the coffee Armageddon I have been threatened with at least one of the following if I don’t repair the machine or replace it post-haste:

“I hope you step on a Lego!”

“I will dress you as lettuce and feed you to the snails!”

“I will delete your hard drive!”

“I’m gonna rip off your cajones and boil ‘em in motor oil!”

“Listen up you little spazoid, I swear to everything holy that your dead ancestors will cry when they see what I’ve done to you!”

Boy, do they reeeeally want some coffee. But I don’t take any of it personally.

Let me back up and first explain that our office coffeemaker is a Keurig. The Keurig design, though convenient and offers many delicious choices of flavors for single cup pours, turns out to be the Yugo of coffeemakers. If you aren’t familiar with the Yugo, it was a former communist Yugoslavian designed car from the early 1980’s that appeared to have been manufactured at gunpoint. It started as a big hit for economic size, price and fuel efficiency. But it was soon recognized as an unimaginative eyesore and didn’t take more than a simple drive around the block for owners to realize the car was a disastrous and dangerous monstrosity just waiting to break down, fall apart, or worse, blow up at the worst possible moment.

That’s what you get with a Keurig.

The Keurig was designed to be a convenient way to make a single cup of coffee. Oh, but you can only purchase and use the expensive licensed K-cup coffees along with the machine. Oh, and did I mention that the expensive machines are made to be disposable? That’s right, gang. If a Keurig fails or malfunctions (which they often do. Just read the reviews.) there are no repair shops available. Coffee machine repair technicians (and this is a real, honest job, folks) have emphatically stated that the Keurig has no replacement parts, and it is more expensive to repair than to simply replace a Keurig machine. Ergo, they are disposable contraptions.

Which brings me back to my dilemma. No Keurig – no coffee. Also, no manager or CFO around this week to approve a new purchase of another disposable machine. So, I guess I’ll have to endure the sad, pathetic threats of my co-workers for another 3 or 4 days. In the meantime, I’m headed to the 7-Eleven down the block for a nice, cheap cuppa joe.


Too Much Coffee, Man!

March 28, 2014

Too Much Coffee, Man!

Like some Americans I know, I spend the beginnings of my waking hours with a cup of coffee in my hands. Coffee is one of the few psychoactive stimulant drugs that I can afford. Thank Congress it’s legal. And like a few other Americans I know I, too, work for a company that wants its employees awake while they perform their jobs. To help with the task of staying awake they provide this psychoactive stimulant called coffee, and/or a lesser stimulant called tea, as a free employee perk (sorry, but there was just no stopping that pun).


Now most employers offer a limited choice, such as a pot of dark roast, a lighter roast, and a decaf. And in those situations the employees must self-monitor the coffee supply in each dispenser, and take initiative to start brewing a new batch when the pot runneth out. Failure to comply usually results in a ‘code red’ if ever caught, whereby the accused has his or her fingers shoved through the paper shredder (or his tie if it is absolutely repulsive), or something even worse like licking and sealing all the thousands of weekly marketing envelopes.


I, however, have hit the psychoactive stimulant jackpot at my new employer. Not only is the coffee free and provided in an unlimited supply, but we get our choice of brew strength and flavors. A Cadillac model Keurig (Dutch word for “nervous” or “fidgety”) allows any employee to brew a single cup of delicious coffee at the press of a button. Simply choose a mini “K-cup” of hundreds of flavor choices such as Vanilla Crème, Caramel, Kahlua, French Roast, Organic Garden Dirt, or even the less popular Ground Mealworms (high in protein – low in fat), and shove the tiny cup into a hole with a hypodermic needle at the bottom whereby it pierces the cup and allows the juicy steaming nectar to flow through into my mug. A press of a button, and in 30 seconds – voila! – my scalding hot flavored coffee is ready for consumption (which typically is spilling down the front of my starched white shirt)!


Methinks the business may emphasize the coffee consumption a bit much. For instance, each morning our favorite K-cup is placed conspicuously on our desks, much like a hotel places a mint on your pillow. The reminder is obvious: “wake up, and GET TO WORK!” And at various times throughout the day we are escorted to the break room by men in black suits and dark sunglasses who wear earpieces and talk into their watches. They supervise us while we refill our empty mugs, then promptly accompany us straight back to our cubicles. No chit-chatting with these fellas. My best guess is that my code-name is “Bluebeard”. I think it’s because of my nearly full gray beard, or maybe because I do Capt. Jack Sparrow impressions every day. Oh, they’re here now. Time to go refill with a delicious Mega Irish Hawaiian Chocolate Donut Avacado Truffle.